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Now… I am not the target group of this, clearly I am something like the opposite of the target group: I am too old, of the wrong gender, and I do not like vampires or werewolves too much. Unless it’s Vlad Drakul, the Impaler. But he’s not here. Instead, we have a cute vampire family setting with people who are a bit too pale, and we have a rather more cool werewolf family that looks like a team of football players in bootcamp. You may argue that one of these sides is in general more attractive than the other, and I heard there’s some argument about that, but which ever way you  are leaning, the Twilight saga is about chastity and self-control more than about anything else, so it does not really matter, because the rather dull heroine of the story will not decide for a long time which way her preferences go. All the while, there are some outside perils keeping her from deciding, requiring help from both camps, as she herself is a bit useless in battling monsters in general and evil vampires in particular. This allows for a lot of damsel in distress moments, making the audience wonder whether the main character of such a successful trilogy should really be a girl who would die as soon as one of her potential boyfriends comes too late to her rescue. Maybe it’s just the eternal teenager girl dream of the White Knight on his White Horse rampaging with his shining sword among the naughty opponents who would like nothing more than to steal her virtue…

The good thing about the DVD is that you can easily skip the boring parts, which come along every 7 minutes, in the form of dialogues along the lines of “I love You” – “do you?” – “yes, I do, forever” – “really, forever” – “really forever!” – “really?” – “yes” – “yes?” – “shut up now and help me lose your virginity” … the last one is made up, only stemming from my urge to slap everybody in the face, make them engage in teenage sex and get their perennial doubts over and done with. I would have preferred that to happen between Bella and a wolf from the beginning, because I cannot stand Edward’s standard expression that seems to communicate a severe headache and a lack of outdoor activities. The other guy has a funny nose and a more funny way to lose his shirt at completely inappropriate moments, but at least he does not look like a castrate during his period (I know, that image is not really coherent, but neither is anything that happens in the films). Some of the wolf brothers are actually quite cute, I did not understand why she never considered a maternalistic society with herself as leader of a multi-faceted wolf pack.

The peril comes from the outside in the form of ill-tempered rogue vampires, ill-tempered establishment vampires and good-humoured vampire leaders. The latter was underdeveloped, I would have loved to see more of Michael Sheen, he clearly was ready to tear up the screen, but seems the directors had a guilty  conscience about exposing the teenage actors’ weaknesses by confronting them too frequently with the smirking evilness that houses in the Tuscany’s vampire headquarters.

There is one moment in all five movies where I was thinking “oh, that was quite well done”, and that moment comes about five minutes before the end of the final film. It may not have been as effective had I not endured the other 800 hours of boredom and spectacularly poor-designed cgi moments, but in retrospect maybe I would have happily lived without ever having set an eye on either of these hours.

Now why did I watch all the films even though it is clear from the outset what kind of entertainment this would be? For the same reasons why sometimes I need a “Downton Abbey” moment maybe, the pleasure of knowing that around the corner, something more exciting is waiting. Not with the Twilight saga, but the longer it took, the more satisfying it was to come back to watching a proper movie or tv show…

Part 1 (Dir: Catherine Hardwicke 2008): http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/twilight/

Part 2 “New Moon” (Dir: Chris Weitz 2009): http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/twilight_saga_new_moon/

Part 3 “Eclipse” (Dir: David Slade 2010): http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/1210749-eclipse/

Part 4 “Breaking Dawn Part 1” (Bill Condon 2011): http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/twilight_saga_breaking_dawn/

Part 5 “Breaking Dawn Part 2” (Bill Condon 2012): http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/the_twilight_saga_breaking_dawn_part_2/

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